Monday, May 4, 2009

KaBOOM

I can't explain what happened yesterday, but I need to think it through so it doesn't happen again. If you look at my food blog yesterday you will see a loss of control that spiraled into a sickening disregard for consequences. I am so ashamed and taken aback by what I did. I even knew I was over the limit and out of control, but did nothing to put a halt to that behavior. That isn't like me at all! I just don't don't let go of the reigns like that!

But shamefully I did. The first time in nearly a year and yet the amount of days that I've been so very good don't make up for this feeling of failure. I am now suffering from depression due to my obstinance.

Thinking it through leads me to believe that missing my planned "cheat" meal caused disaster. To celebrate me reaching 185 Cro was going to take me out to Brugge Brasserie to enjoy a wonderful carbonade flamonde, which is completely within scope of my diet limitations. I then was going to have a crepe with Nutella, which is out of bounds, but a planned rare treat. Cro had a migraine when I got back from the movie so we didn't go.

*sounds of doom*

I believe my loss of control is the result of being denied that planned cheat. Taking from this I realize that I don't deal with anticipation well nor do I deal with denial and disappointment well. I SHOULD have accepted that the cheat meal was just going to be put off for a couple of weeks. What actually happened was me being taken over by a strong mental rebellion. It felt like I had slipped into auto-pilot set on cheat. There I was, watching the plane go down, unable to steer and unable to brake. :( I could have controlled it if it had gone as planned. Since the plan was denied, I went down in flames. I hate failing.

Wolverine was great if you are a fan. Though if that was your first encounter with the x-men I think you would have found it very boring. It was rather long and full of back-story. Though if you are a fervent nit-picking type of x-men fan you probably would have been angry at the inconsistencies in related character introductions (Gambit for example). Matt and I both enjoyed it lots, even though Matt is a hardcore fan and collector of the comics and I'm not a comic collector and not THAT into it).

I called the hospital to get an update on dad. I got good news. :) The nurse this morning said that he is awake, no longer on a ventilator, is talking to her though his voice is still very weak and scratchy. I aksed if he is still delirious and she said he doesn't appear to be. He's eating well, (no longer on a feeding tube, healing well and his vitals look good. He asked the nurse if she would mind holding his hand for a while. :) I think he might make it though this!!!

On the topic of geekiness, I am installing CS4 right now on my work computer. That makes me happy!!! CS4 is the latest version of Adobe Creative Suite, the software I use for design. I am the only one here to gets the Design PREMIUM version, because it includes Flash, the multimedia software that I use. The rest of the guys here are print/broadcast designers only. I'm the new media/web designer. So yay for software updates. It's overdue, I was using CS2 prior to this upgrade.

Breakfast - 14carb/290cal
[3carb][190cal ] 2 TBSP peanut butter
[ 11g][100cal] granola bar

Lunch - 15.5carb/315cal
[3carb][190cal ] pb
[1.5carb][25cal ] half of an LC tortilla
[ 11g][100cal] granola bar
*I actually brought twice this amount ... good grief BAD!!!
**I disposed of half of as an exercise to regain STRENGTH of WILL.
***and I actually only ate half of the half. :) GOOD!

Dinner - 3carb/512cal
[0carb][500cal ] roast beef
[2.5carb][8cal ] 8 radishes
[.5carb][4cal ] small amount of onion

TOTAL 32.5carb/1117cal

5 comments:

  1. i hope you get past the feeling of failure quickly, it sucks to feel out of control. i must say that i am always amazed at how controlled your food is... limiting calories and carbs is hard to do, and you are doing it! your overall success far outweighs this one slip up, you are awesome!

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  2. Thanks Smbdy. I'm back on track but I sure wish I hadn't had that crash. It's hard enough without taking backwards steps.

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  3. YAY! Papa Oct is doing better! I didn't get to watch Wolverine this weekend, maybe next.

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  4. Great news about your dad, Oct! That's the best news I've heard in a long time! Truly excellent! :-)

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  5. I'm happy too. :) I just really hope the delirium is going away and that it's not just wishful thinking. The nurse today said he is still a bit confused. Since she was a gruff nurse and obviously in a hurry to get me off the phone I'm not sure what "a bit" means.

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