I did strength training last night and 15 minutes of cardio afterward. It still isn't easy but I suppose that is the point ... it isn't supposed to be easy. I feel a great sense of accomplishment after the workouts are over but they are so difficult to get through. I wonder this morning if I didn't do the strength moves properly because I'm not feeling that much ache in my muscles today. There is a slight ache and I know I did everything as well as I could, didn't rush, concentrated on correct form, and did them in the order laid out for me. You would think that 15 minutes of cardio would be a breeze for me after having a 45 minute session Monday but nope ... the first part of any cardio workout is the most grueling for me. I have another 45 minute cardio session tonight and am fearing it already. I'll make it through.
The last 10 minutes or so are the breeze. I suppose that is because I can see the end in sight. That makes me think of riding horses. On the way out of the barn the horses are usually sluggish but no matter how long you ride, the moment you are back within a mile of home and turn them to walk in that direction they will perk up and quicken their step. They know it's the home stretch and they can't wait to get there.
Today I got to work super early because I have a deadline to meet. Honestly I'm looking forward to the weekend and decompressing a little. Everyone was surprised that I came back to work so soon after the funeral but I did that for two reasons. Our company only provides two paid bereavement days. My CEO and creative director both told me to take as much time as I needed but I don't feel right about taking advantage of such a nice gesture, especially when the economy is so bad. The other reason is that if I had taken time off I would have spent most of it crying. Having something to do, a tight work schedule with project deadlines and the need to put my mind as fully as possible into the problem solving and strategies required of my work ... well it kept me from dwelling on the loss. I've cried occasionally over the last few days, but knowing that there are people around that I don't want to cry in front of is helping me to present a strong front even while breaking down inside.
My dad is gone from this earth. Completely gone. He doesn't even have a body anymore, he was cremated yesterday. He is here no more and I will never see him here again. :(